Saturday, March 19, 2011

#94: Obituary

# 94 Obituary: Write a story in the form of an obituary, but try to make it a funny obituary . A short story that begins with an obituary might seem to need to be about that person. It doesn’t have to be about that person. 500 words:

Despite his being a devout Scientologist, Fredericko Davenport, upon passing away on September 25th, 2010, did not become a God of his own planet. Or perhaps he did and we simply have no way of knowing. In any event, his having or not having a planet does not alter the fact that he is, unfortunately, no longer on the planet we know as Earth. Fredericko was born in 1950 to one Octavia and one Gustav Davenport of the Newark Davenports, a very wealthy New Jersian couple. Fredericko, upon graduating from Penn State University with dual degrees in Print Making, Musical Theater, and Biology, decided to enter the completely unrelated field of teaching English. Fortunately, no real credentials are needed to succeed in this field, and Fredericko, who had a flair for expanding rhetoric to the bursting point and talking endlessly in circles, flourished as both a professor of profundity and a scholar of the highest order. After the completion of what many consider to be his masterpiece on the philosophical meanings of the comma (When A Pause Means ,,, More, Than A Period, available from St. Martin’s Press), Fredericko decided to go back to his original training, and moved to New York City to become a professional unemployed actor. In 1990, he was an overnight success, appearing in no productions either on, off, or off off broadway, but serving on the wait staff of no less than seven upscale to mid upscale New York restaurants. It was during this time in New York that he found Scientology, and decided that shit yeah, it would be awesome to die and not only become a God of your own planet, but you get to have, like seven wives or something. He immediately gave all of his royalties and tips to the Church, completely embracing their teachings and spending most of his free time on street corners asking pedestrians if they wanted to take free personality surveys. Now, before continuing the narrative, one must first be informed right here and now that in no way shape or form did Fredericko go back to New Jersey with the intent of living in his parent’s basement with Gregory, his beloved cat (he really is a cool cat, I know some cats aren’t, but Gregory is). It’s just that, well, you know, cost of living and all that, and there truly was some other purpose, some higher purpose, calling him back there. He felt like his parents needed saving, yes, that’s it, his parents needed saving and he was just the one do to it, and where else was better than the basement of his parent’s house? So with a heart full of compassion and a mind full of knowledge, he swept back into his parents lives in the winter of 2008, and set up shop on the pull out sofa. His last and coincidentally his first stage appearance since Penn State occurred in a production of Guys and Dolls (he was Nicely Nicely Johnson, he was awesome) with the Newark Second Stage Community Players.

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